My goal for the people that come to this site is to help them out of a tough situation. Many times we are in these situations not because we have tough kids, but because we as parents just don't quite know how to handle the situations that arise. It is easy to have a parent ask a question and then have an expert give advice. Sometimes their advice is right on the mark, sometimes it is way off base. Regardless, I think many times the parent might wish they would have explained the situation differently or the expert realize that they would have said something different if given a second chance.
With this in mind I have developed a segment on this blog where I invite troubled parents to give me a week. During this week the parent will be able to give me the background information about their current situation; their kids, how they parent, how their kids respond to certain situations, etc. For one week they can email me specific situations that they are having trouble with, and receive specific and pertinent advice tailored just for them. By the end of the week they will see the potential in themselves as great parents and in their kids as great kids. I think that by giving me a week, you will truly be giving yourself a week to unlock your full parenting potential! So please email me and together we can find some answers for your parenting dilemma.
giveyourselfaweek@gmail.com
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Constant Dialogue
It feels like as I go through my day I am constantly talking. Talking to my five year old, three year old and even 15 month old. Constantly talking about how to behave. It was when I was talking to my fifteen month old today that I realized that I may seem crazy. I was changing F's diaper and she was throwing a bit of a tantrum and I kept telling her it was not a choice to cry, it was time for a diaper change and I did not want to hear her crying. I went on to tell her "when it is time for a diaper change we need to lay down nicely." It occurs to me that this may seem strange. The main thing I want to point out is that I do not expect her to understand me right now. I know she understands some of the things I say, in her own way, but I definitely did not expect her to all of a sudden stop crying and say she was sorry she was crying and won't do it again. However, by having this dialogue with my little girl at 15 months, the chances that she will lay quietly and obediently when she is 18 months is that much greater. She learned something from our little conversation today, she learned that when mommy talks like that she means something, she doesn't know what that is yet, but she will learn and probably sooner than any adult will give her credit for. Another example I have of this, F passed gas while we were playing today, I told her sweetly, "Say excuse me please!" I am sure I sounded like a nut case!
We spend most of our day in some sort of teaching mode. I am either telling them what we are going to do and what my expectations are. Telling them a behavior they did that I liked and why and how it makes me happy or telling them a bahavior they did that I didn't like and why it was disobedient and what I would like them to do instead. All this telling wears on a person, but disobedient children wear even more. It helps me to tell my children what they need to do, how they need to do it and why it is important that they obey. When I spend time thinking about this I also think about what could happen if they don't obey. This way when someone steps out of line, like they will naturally do because they are children, I can be calm because I already have addressed what I would do if certain issues arise. It also helps the kids because I am explaining what they need to do to make the right choice therefore giving them a greater chance to succeed. They aren't going to just figure it out on their own! I guess I would rather have constant dialogue, even if I talk until I am blue in the face, it is better than yelling.
We spend most of our day in some sort of teaching mode. I am either telling them what we are going to do and what my expectations are. Telling them a behavior they did that I liked and why and how it makes me happy or telling them a bahavior they did that I didn't like and why it was disobedient and what I would like them to do instead. All this telling wears on a person, but disobedient children wear even more. It helps me to tell my children what they need to do, how they need to do it and why it is important that they obey. When I spend time thinking about this I also think about what could happen if they don't obey. This way when someone steps out of line, like they will naturally do because they are children, I can be calm because I already have addressed what I would do if certain issues arise. It also helps the kids because I am explaining what they need to do to make the right choice therefore giving them a greater chance to succeed. They aren't going to just figure it out on their own! I guess I would rather have constant dialogue, even if I talk until I am blue in the face, it is better than yelling.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Smooth and Easy Days
There are so many resources out there about how to be great parents. I particularly like Charlotte Mason theories. She talks about forming habits in our children from a young age. If you have never heard of her, or want a new perspective on things, check out this free ebook from simplycharlottemason.com. Just click on the link and you can download it for free.
The best way to parent is to be proactive rather than reactive. Charlotte Mason definitely teaches a parent how to be proactive!
A few good quotes to sum up my point!
"The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days; while she who lets their habits take care of themselves has a weary life of endless friction with the children” (Vol. 1, p. 136).
"The habits of the child produce the character of the man." (Vol. 1, p 118)
"Every day, every hour, the parents are either passively or actively forming those habits in their children upon which, more than upon anything else, future character and conduct depend." (Vol. 1, p 118)
The best way to parent is to be proactive rather than reactive. Charlotte Mason definitely teaches a parent how to be proactive!
A few good quotes to sum up my point!
"The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days; while she who lets their habits take care of themselves has a weary life of endless friction with the children” (Vol. 1, p. 136).
"The habits of the child produce the character of the man." (Vol. 1, p 118)
"Every day, every hour, the parents are either passively or actively forming those habits in their children upon which, more than upon anything else, future character and conduct depend." (Vol. 1, p 118)
From My Own Experience
So I thought it would be helpful to talk about my own experiences in parenting and the different situations I have run into and how I have handled them. I can't guarantee these things will work for you, I can't guarantee they will work (or did work) for me, they are just tips and tidbits from my own experience that may help others.
So I mentioned in my last post that V has been difficult. That is actually putting it mildly. V is normally a pretty easy going, kind child who wants to listen and obey, and I know she knows how. Which makes those times when she is dileberately disobeying, and being particularly unkind even more tough to take. Thoughts like " I didn't raise a child like this" go through my head. And then I have to remind myself that I didn't raise a child like this and these behaviors do not define a child. They are just something that happens and I have to take care of; welcome to life as a parent.
With this in mind I decided to stop beating my head against a wall and started to think about what I could do to help V out of the funk she has been in. One day at rest when I was giving her toys to play quietly with and she yelled (literally), "I don't like army men! They are boring!" the solution kind of came to me. I told her that she was being ungrateful for what she had, and was being very unkind to Mommy as she had been a lot lately, so she was going to be Mommy's shadow for the rest of the day. She could not play with any toys, she couldn't play with her brother or sister if Mommy wasn't and wherever mommy went she went and whatever mommy said she did right away. When I made dinner she was right by my side, when I was tired and decided to lay down she was right there on my bed. I used the entire experience as an opportunity to talk to her about the kind of choices we were supposed to make. It really was an afternoon/evening of learning, or relearning. Learning that we need to be thankful for what we have, that we need to listen and obey right away and that we need to respect mommy with our words and our actions. By having her at my side I was able to reiterate this over and over again and really recenter her heart back to where it was supposed to be.
The day after our mommy shadow day, she already had an improved disposition. We talked a lot about how V was listening to her body and doing what she wanted to do rather than what mommy wanted her to do. It was helpful to remind her of the shadow day and what we talked about. We've had a couple more outbursts since, it has been about five days, and she has had her moments, but since that day her attitude has really improved. I think it really helped to take an evening where I wasn't constantly redirecting and disciplining her because she was off doing her own thing and getting into trouble, rather it was a pleasant evening where there was a lot of discussion about how we are supposed to act. Many of these conversations were a case of me asking how we are supposed to behave and her answering. This tells me she does know the right way to behave, it is something that we ingrain in our children when they are very young so that when they are five they understand how they are supposed to act, even if they don't always make the right choice. This is in the hopes that when they are ten the message has really sunk in!
Today I caught myself wondering, when she was being particularly delightful, why I even thought she was having a problem. This is good because it tells me a couple of things; that our children will go through so many phases as they grow and that we won't remember them all! It helps to have a short memory in parenting.
So I mentioned in my last post that V has been difficult. That is actually putting it mildly. V is normally a pretty easy going, kind child who wants to listen and obey, and I know she knows how. Which makes those times when she is dileberately disobeying, and being particularly unkind even more tough to take. Thoughts like " I didn't raise a child like this" go through my head. And then I have to remind myself that I didn't raise a child like this and these behaviors do not define a child. They are just something that happens and I have to take care of; welcome to life as a parent.
With this in mind I decided to stop beating my head against a wall and started to think about what I could do to help V out of the funk she has been in. One day at rest when I was giving her toys to play quietly with and she yelled (literally), "I don't like army men! They are boring!" the solution kind of came to me. I told her that she was being ungrateful for what she had, and was being very unkind to Mommy as she had been a lot lately, so she was going to be Mommy's shadow for the rest of the day. She could not play with any toys, she couldn't play with her brother or sister if Mommy wasn't and wherever mommy went she went and whatever mommy said she did right away. When I made dinner she was right by my side, when I was tired and decided to lay down she was right there on my bed. I used the entire experience as an opportunity to talk to her about the kind of choices we were supposed to make. It really was an afternoon/evening of learning, or relearning. Learning that we need to be thankful for what we have, that we need to listen and obey right away and that we need to respect mommy with our words and our actions. By having her at my side I was able to reiterate this over and over again and really recenter her heart back to where it was supposed to be.
The day after our mommy shadow day, she already had an improved disposition. We talked a lot about how V was listening to her body and doing what she wanted to do rather than what mommy wanted her to do. It was helpful to remind her of the shadow day and what we talked about. We've had a couple more outbursts since, it has been about five days, and she has had her moments, but since that day her attitude has really improved. I think it really helped to take an evening where I wasn't constantly redirecting and disciplining her because she was off doing her own thing and getting into trouble, rather it was a pleasant evening where there was a lot of discussion about how we are supposed to act. Many of these conversations were a case of me asking how we are supposed to behave and her answering. This tells me she does know the right way to behave, it is something that we ingrain in our children when they are very young so that when they are five they understand how they are supposed to act, even if they don't always make the right choice. This is in the hopes that when they are ten the message has really sunk in!
Today I caught myself wondering, when she was being particularly delightful, why I even thought she was having a problem. This is good because it tells me a couple of things; that our children will go through so many phases as they grow and that we won't remember them all! It helps to have a short memory in parenting.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Children
I have three Children, for the purpose of this blog they will be called, "V", "P", "F". Every once in a while I will blog about the trials and tribulations in my own home. I hope to offer a bit of insight into why I believe certain things and maybe people out there may be able to relate!
V is five years old. This stage brings us a lot of joy and trouble. She is growing so fast and learning something new everyday. At times she shows us glimpses of such a sweet natured, loving child and this offers us great hope for her future. However, there are times when she shows us a different side. A side that is disobedient and even a little mean.
Recently I have started reading a book called "Educating the Whole Hearted Child", By Clay and Sally Clarkson. This book talks a lot about "training" your children. We train our children in more than just how we want them to be, we can inadvertently train them in the ways we don't want them to behave by ignoring, or allowing certain behaviors. It is our job as parents to instill a loving and obedient spirit in our children. When ever we allow something that is contrary to this all important task, we do our children a disservice. With V we have recently seen really disrespectful body language, when we would discipline or when we ask her to do something. We started seeing this attitude that implies that she was putting more stock into what SHE wants rather than what WE wanted. Even though we saw this attitude in her, it was the holidays and we were feeling "merciful". Lazy was more like it. Now a couple of weeks after the holidays we have seen this every once in a while trait become an every single time trait. She would obey us, but she would dishonor us at the same time. Clay and Sally Clarkson speak of two important things that our children must do, instructions sent down from God, if you will: Obey your parents, and Honor your mother and father. We were seeing the first, if not hesitantly, and definitely not seeing the latter. There were times in the last week that I just wanted to throw my hands up in the air! More than that I wondered why in the world I thought, with a child like this, I could start a parenting blog. Then I remembered my own advice, you don't have to be an expert to be a good parent, just committed to trying. So we tried different things, we could tell we were in phase with V and we needed to just stay strong and persevere, this too shall pass. It is getting better, we are working more diligently on training her in the habits we want to see, and disciplining the habits we don't want to see. In an upcoming post I will discuss some of the different techniques we did and the philosophy behind them,in an effort to straighten out V's heart.
P is four years old and is at a time where he just cracks us up, he is such a delightful child, not that unlike his sister at the same age. This is also a time where is easy to let certain things slide, they aren't character destroying things, and not nearly the poor disrespectful behavior his sister is showing us right now. Then I remember, it isn't a far stretch from one to become another. We were on top of it with his sister at this age, we didn't have an older sibling to compare her to, and she still has struggles obeying and being kind, just imagine if we let even more slide! Now it may sound like you have to discipline every single wrong doing, up to the point where you are blue in the face from redirecting and instructing, this is not the case! It is just important that we are constantly observing what our children are doing and addressing issues as they arise.
P's biggest problem these days is his adverse reaction to redirection! For instance, if he doesn't obey us right away, and then by his own actions gets a consequence he will throw a bloody fit about the consequence. It doesn't matter if it is a two minute time out or a spank, he reacts as if his life is ending and he fights us tooth and nail, with this fight resulting in even more consequences. We are really trying to work with him right now on accepting his consequences. To do this we try to have logical consequences so he can see that he is responsible for his own actions. If I obey then there isn't a consequence. If I disobey then there is a consequence. A technique we use to drive this point home is remind them often, when they aren't in trouble, "If I disobey, then there is a consequence" and "Obey mommy and daddy with a happy heart". We have them repeat after us to the point where when we start the sentence they can finish it. We do this often in our parenting. The more we tell them, the more it sinks in, the more they understand that this is something they did to themselves rather than something mommy and daddy are doing to them.
F is 17 months and at a time where she is really trying to test mommy and daddy. It is amazing to me how much a 15 month old can understand. They have limited language yet are able to communicate their wants and needs (mostly they think they are needs!)and are able to follow verbal instruction. When we tell our 15 month old to go and get in her highchair she will walk over to her high chair and wait for us. When we tell her it is time for a diaper change she can lead us into her room and lay down to wait for one. Conversely, when we tell her it is time for a diaper change she can also run the other way. This is how we know she is testing us and is being disobedient, even in her young age. We are at the point with her where we are trying to not let her get away with what she thinks is disobeying. She is developing traits and habits even as we speak and our actions now will foster her for the future, we want to make sure we are fostering the right traits. So we praise her when she makes good choices and redirect her when she doesn't make the the choice we wanted her to make. It may sound strange to talk about a baby in this way, after all to us she is still a little baby, but she is capable of way more than one would think!
It is hard to write such things about my children, especially because it paints them in such a negative light, they truly are wonderful kids and my husband and I feel very blessed. But hopefully through the trials and the solutions we find in our parenting we may be able to help others.
V is five years old. This stage brings us a lot of joy and trouble. She is growing so fast and learning something new everyday. At times she shows us glimpses of such a sweet natured, loving child and this offers us great hope for her future. However, there are times when she shows us a different side. A side that is disobedient and even a little mean.
Recently I have started reading a book called "Educating the Whole Hearted Child", By Clay and Sally Clarkson. This book talks a lot about "training" your children. We train our children in more than just how we want them to be, we can inadvertently train them in the ways we don't want them to behave by ignoring, or allowing certain behaviors. It is our job as parents to instill a loving and obedient spirit in our children. When ever we allow something that is contrary to this all important task, we do our children a disservice. With V we have recently seen really disrespectful body language, when we would discipline or when we ask her to do something. We started seeing this attitude that implies that she was putting more stock into what SHE wants rather than what WE wanted. Even though we saw this attitude in her, it was the holidays and we were feeling "merciful". Lazy was more like it. Now a couple of weeks after the holidays we have seen this every once in a while trait become an every single time trait. She would obey us, but she would dishonor us at the same time. Clay and Sally Clarkson speak of two important things that our children must do, instructions sent down from God, if you will: Obey your parents, and Honor your mother and father. We were seeing the first, if not hesitantly, and definitely not seeing the latter. There were times in the last week that I just wanted to throw my hands up in the air! More than that I wondered why in the world I thought, with a child like this, I could start a parenting blog. Then I remembered my own advice, you don't have to be an expert to be a good parent, just committed to trying. So we tried different things, we could tell we were in phase with V and we needed to just stay strong and persevere, this too shall pass. It is getting better, we are working more diligently on training her in the habits we want to see, and disciplining the habits we don't want to see. In an upcoming post I will discuss some of the different techniques we did and the philosophy behind them,in an effort to straighten out V's heart.
P is four years old and is at a time where he just cracks us up, he is such a delightful child, not that unlike his sister at the same age. This is also a time where is easy to let certain things slide, they aren't character destroying things, and not nearly the poor disrespectful behavior his sister is showing us right now. Then I remember, it isn't a far stretch from one to become another. We were on top of it with his sister at this age, we didn't have an older sibling to compare her to, and she still has struggles obeying and being kind, just imagine if we let even more slide! Now it may sound like you have to discipline every single wrong doing, up to the point where you are blue in the face from redirecting and instructing, this is not the case! It is just important that we are constantly observing what our children are doing and addressing issues as they arise.
P's biggest problem these days is his adverse reaction to redirection! For instance, if he doesn't obey us right away, and then by his own actions gets a consequence he will throw a bloody fit about the consequence. It doesn't matter if it is a two minute time out or a spank, he reacts as if his life is ending and he fights us tooth and nail, with this fight resulting in even more consequences. We are really trying to work with him right now on accepting his consequences. To do this we try to have logical consequences so he can see that he is responsible for his own actions. If I obey then there isn't a consequence. If I disobey then there is a consequence. A technique we use to drive this point home is remind them often, when they aren't in trouble, "If I disobey, then there is a consequence" and "Obey mommy and daddy with a happy heart". We have them repeat after us to the point where when we start the sentence they can finish it. We do this often in our parenting. The more we tell them, the more it sinks in, the more they understand that this is something they did to themselves rather than something mommy and daddy are doing to them.
F is 17 months and at a time where she is really trying to test mommy and daddy. It is amazing to me how much a 15 month old can understand. They have limited language yet are able to communicate their wants and needs (mostly they think they are needs!)and are able to follow verbal instruction. When we tell our 15 month old to go and get in her highchair she will walk over to her high chair and wait for us. When we tell her it is time for a diaper change she can lead us into her room and lay down to wait for one. Conversely, when we tell her it is time for a diaper change she can also run the other way. This is how we know she is testing us and is being disobedient, even in her young age. We are at the point with her where we are trying to not let her get away with what she thinks is disobeying. She is developing traits and habits even as we speak and our actions now will foster her for the future, we want to make sure we are fostering the right traits. So we praise her when she makes good choices and redirect her when she doesn't make the the choice we wanted her to make. It may sound strange to talk about a baby in this way, after all to us she is still a little baby, but she is capable of way more than one would think!
It is hard to write such things about my children, especially because it paints them in such a negative light, they truly are wonderful kids and my husband and I feel very blessed. But hopefully through the trials and the solutions we find in our parenting we may be able to help others.
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